At Dunkin Donuts in the morning.

“Can I help you?”

“Bacon, egg and cheese on a toasted plain bagel, please.”

“Any coffee?”

“No, but let me get a medium coffee coolatta.”

“Any donuts?”

“No.”

“So sausage, egg and cheese?”

“BACON, egg and cheese.”

“On a toasted croissant?”

“No, on a toasted plain BAGEL!”

“What kind of bagel?”

“PLAIN!”

“And a small coffee?”

“NO! MEDIUM COFFEE COOLATTA!”

At Subway in the afternoon.

Mr. Babu: “Yes?”

Me: “Roasted chicken breast on a whole wheat, please. six inch.”

Mr. Babu: “What kind of bread?”

Me: “Whole wheat”

Mr. Babu: “A foot long?”

Me: “No, six inch.”

Mr. Babu: “You don’t want a foot long?”

Me: “NO. I. Want. Six. Inch.”

Mr. Babu: “What kind of meat?”

Me: “Roasted chicken breast”

Mr. Babu: “Cheese?”

Me: “No cheese.”

Mr. Babu:”No cheese?”

Me: “No. Cheese!”

Mr. Babu: “Lettuce and tomato?”

Me: “Just lettuce, no tomato.”

Mr. Babu starts putting sliced tomatoes on the sandwich.

Me: “I said NO TOMATO.” (Looks around for the candid camera.)

Mr. Babu: “No tomato?”

Me: “NO. NO TOMATO.”

Mr. Babu: “Lettuce?”

Me: “Yes, please.” (Waits until he’s done with the lettuce part.)

Me: “Onions, please.” (Waits until he’s done with onions part.)

Me: “Pickles.” (Waits until he’s done with the pickles part.)

Me: “And jalapeños, please.”

Mr, Babu: “Hot peppers?” (Because we all know when somebody says jalapeños, that person needs to be informed that jalapeños are hot peppers, you see.)

Me: “Yes.” (Waits until he’s done with HOT PEPPERS.)

Me: “Honey mustard please.”

Mr. Babu starts wrapping the sandwich.

Me: “I SAID HONEY MUSTARD!”

Mr. Babu: “Oh”

I’ve forgotten that I should not say more than one thing at a time when ordering at these establishments since I haven’t frequented either Dunkin Donuts or Subway for a while. Not that it would have helped in Dunkin Donuts since she kept asking as if she already punched in the previous item. My friend and I used to complain about it because he has the same problem at Dunkin Donuts and Subway and he lives and works in Manhattan while I’m situated in Long Island.

I suspect you cannot work at Dunkin Donuts or Subway unless you are an expert on not listening to the customers the first and/or second time. Or maybe the corporate requires the new employees to be trained to NOT pay attention to the customers; the employees must attend the in-house training class, “How to annoy the customers by not paying attention” or maybe just “How to annoy the heck out of customers just because you can”. Because I tell you, this happens every single Dunkin Donuts and every single Subway EVERY SINGLE TIME.