As some of you know, Brandy’s megaesophagus makes her regurgitate food from now and then, even after being held upright for an hour after a meal. It’s the way it is and there is nothing anybody can do about it but for me to clean up the mess.
And Brandy’s stool never recovered its roll-on-the-floor-rock-hard consistency after that scary episode almost 2 years ago when every morsel of food she ate came back up for more than a month. I guess her digestive system got a shock when it finally got to see some food. So she gets about a cup of yogurt everyday with her meal, but still her stool is frequently loose enough for me to make bald spots on the lawn to pick off all blades of grass (and weeds… well, OK, mostly weeds) with fecal matter on it.
So when the name Poop Freeze caught my eye while I was going through hundreds of “As Seen On TV” products trying to remember the names of the various products for Sucker I Am post yesterday, I was like, could it be? Could this really be??? The description confirmed that it is in fact what I hoped it would be – You spray it on poop, hair balls, or vomit, etc, and it freezes it down to -62°F so you can clean it up with ease. What a brilliant idea! What an excellent way to improve my everyday life! My life WILL be happier! What an exceptional find!
Supposedly, there was or has been or still is an infomercial on TV for Poop Freeze. And let me tell you, if I had seen the infomercial you can bet your bottom dollar that I would have ordered it before the infomercial was over. Then why haven’t I ordered it yet, you might wonder. Well, it lacked the magic of infomercial. I need to see it work on screen. I need to hear people’s testimonies, you understand.
Then why haven’t I clicked on the infomercial link and watch it online? Frankly, I’m afraid to watch it. Cause I KNOW I’m going to HAVE to order it once I did – there is no if’s, and’s or but’s about it, and writing that Sucker I Am post kinda sobered me up to the fact that I’m an infomercialaholic.
What I’m trying to get at, actually, is this – Anybody willing to try it and let me know if it works? Anyone? Anyone?
I haven’t had TV for several years now. I mean I have the physical television set, but it doesn’t get any input. So naturally I don’t get a chance to glimpse at all those wonderful infomercials about breakthrough products that will most certainly make me happier and healthier and prettier and skinnier, while making my life so much easier that I can finally have the so-called “leisure time” for a change. And these products are going to save me money in the end as well, you see. Naturally, if I would happen on an infomercial, I’d get sucked in, full of wonder, my ears pricked and mouth half open. Cause, you know, how can you possibly resist that extremely annoying phrase, “If I can do it, ANYBODY can!”
I admit it. I’m a sucker, so it’s an added blessing that not having TV prevents me from wasting my money on the products like the following, thirteen things I’ve bought from infomercials.
1. 
Proactiv skin care system: I suffer from breakouts all the time. My face is covered with acne scars. So two dermatologists come up with this easy 3 step solution, and you see all these people’s testimonies with before and after photos, wouldn’t you try it? You really wouldn’t? Lucky you.
2. Some other kind of acne product: It came out way before Proactiv, also from a dermatologist, who had a Russian name. It seems it disappeared from the face of the earth, so that tells you much about the product.
3. Some kind of Ab gadget: Typical “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” product. It’s something you wear around your waist, and there is this box that’s supposed to be pressing against your ab while you sit and watch TV or read a book or watch paint dry if it strikes your fancy. And it will do all the work for you and give you a fab ab in no time. I couldn’t find this one either.
4. Ab Flex: I obviously did not learn my lesson. But in my defense, it requires a little bit of work from you, so it sounded a little truer…
5. Some kind of Cross Country Ski Machine: It came out after NordicTrack’s ski machine. It was like one-third of the price of NordicTrack version, with the added benefit of taking up much less space. This one fit into the category “You get what you pay for,” and it disappeared in a very short time.
6. 
Tony Little Target Training Video: I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to try doing calisthenics, which, by the way, I already know how to do, while watching this dude who is most definitely not lean or mean by any definition.
7. Tae-bo video: After trying this for a few times, I thought I should stop it before I hurt myself. It’s not for anybody who’s really really out of shape and also, who lives in NYC because your apartment doesn’t have a large enough space to do this without any danger unless you belong to that minority called the rich.
8. Carleton Sheets’ No Money Down Home Buying System: This goes into “Who was I kidding?” category because I don’t even know if the system works. Never even opened it.
9. Some kind of grill machine: It was supposed to come up with a delicious meal in 5 minutes after I dump meat and other ingredients altogether in it, and they promised the cleaning would take just seconds! Bastards!
10. Lori Davis Hair Care System: Hey, Cher was in the infomercial swearing it made such a difference in her life! Resistance was futile!
11. Igia thingmabob: I don’t remember the name, and after going through their products, I still can’t remember the name. It was a hair removing gadget, supposed to be pain free and work like magic in no time at all, with three coils that pull out your hair. During one pass through my leg, it pulled like 2 strands of hair and it hurt like a son of a bitch!
12. Oxy Clean: It’s some kind of natural cleaning solution. You must all heard about it. Being a major slob, and hence not knowing very well how well different cleaning products work, I really couldn’t see any difference, but I was most certainly disappointed that it didn’t work as it did on TV.
13. Some kind of duster: Yeah, I know. What was I doing buying a duster, you ask? Well, I’ve never really understood the concept of dusting. It’s like you intentionally go disturb the dust that’s all settled without stirring, and disperse it all over the place. But this one promised to just catch the dust and suck it inside by just putting it NEAR dust! Now THAT’s something I could deal with. I’m sure those bastards laughed their asses off at people who ordered these dusters.
1. First list item starts here…
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Last Saturday after dinner.
Nick is serving dessert. I’m the first one he serves. I get a slice of tiramisu and 3 scoops of ice cream and I start eating while Nick continues to serve others.
I have a bite of tiramisu with a spoonful of ice cream. I say, This doesn’t taste like tiramisu.
Nick continues serving, I have another bite of tiramisu with another spoonful of ice cream. I say, This tastes weird, man.
Nick continues serving, I have another bite of tiramisu with another spoonful of ice cream.
This really doesn’t taste like tiramisu. It tastes really funny.
Finally, Irene takes a bite of her tiramisu, jumps up and yells while running to the sink to wash out her mouth , Shit! It tastes like mold! It’s fucking moldy!!!
Chris sniffs at tiramisu and says, Oh yeah it’s moldy. It’s bad. It’s really bad…
I look at my plate. Half of tiramisu is gone.
Nick says to me, And you just kept eating – “Oh it tastes funny. It really tastes funny!”
All kinds of jokes and laughter ensue.
Irene says, I know Chris would eat anything, but Yoon would really eat ANYthing!
My staycation is over. I know I should have updated the blog sooner, but I didn’t have any energy or inspiration or something. Not that I get inspired to write a post very often… or never… or I was just lazy… So I guess you are dying to know how my staycation was and how many things I have accomplished out of the thirteen things I had planned to do. Well, I’ll tell you.
I have to say I’m satisfied with what I accomplished. Looking at the list, I managed to satisfactorily complete more than half of the thirteen items; #1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 11 and 12. You guys should be very proud of me, I tell you, even though seven of them are kinda the same thing, namely getting a lot of sleep, but do you think THAT’s easy? Just ask topsurf!
Out of the remaining four items, I completely failed at #9 and 13. It was too hot and humid to be outside pulling the weeds out, and not surprisingly, I really didn’t even try to start cleaning up my place. Item #5, recaulking is halfway done – it took me 4 days to remove the rock-hard old caulk. Now I have to apply some mold removing/preventitive product, clean the area and recaulk it. Item #7 - my car has been looked at by the mechanic, a friend of a friend, and he diagnosed the problem. I’ll see him again some time this week so that he can replace the parts. So I’d say I had a very productive staycation, eh?
But most of all, I had a great time hanging out with cajunvegan, perpstu and topsurf Monday evening. Then I had the most awesome time celebrating topsurf‘s birthday Wednesday night with the aforementioned three plus citizenjaney, andreadaigle and justjen. But I have to say, I was utterly shocked when I first met topsurf. If you know her through Twitter or Plurk or StumbleUpon or Flickr or any other social networking site, you’d be shocked, too.
HER EYES DON’T LOOK LIKE FIREFOX LOGO!!!!!! 
Anyways, I’m so glad I finally got to meet them and got to grope a couple of them (let me just say everybody should strive to fondle cajunvegan‘s ass and grope citizenjaney‘s boob), and I’m very very happy they ALL love the city I love and promised to come back soon.
It was a great staycation.
Serious Stuff. Seriously
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