Sucker I Am (TT#7)

I haven’t had TV for several years now. I mean I have the physical television set, but it doesn’t get any input. So naturally I don’t get a chance to glimpse at all those wonderful infomercials about breakthrough products that will most certainly make me happier and healthier and prettier and skinnier, while making my life so much easier that I can finally have the so-called “leisure time” for a change. And these products are going to save me money in the end as well, you see. Naturally, if I would happen on an infomercial, I’d get sucked in, full of wonder, my ears pricked and mouth half open. Cause, you know, how can you possibly resist that extremely annoying phrase, “If I can do it, ANYBODY can!”

I admit it. I’m a sucker, so it’s an added blessing that not having TV prevents me from wasting my money on the products like the following, thirteen things I’ve bought from infomercials.

1. Proactiv skin care system: I suffer from breakouts all the time. My face is covered with acne scars. So two dermatologists come up with this easy 3 step solution, and you see all these people’s testimonies with before and after photos, wouldn’t you try it? You really wouldn’t? Lucky you.

2. Some other kind of acne product: It came out way before Proactiv, also from a dermatologist, who had a Russian name. It seems it disappeared from the face of the earth, so that tells you much about the product.

3. Some kind of Ab gadget: Typical “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” product. It’s something you wear around your waist, and there is this box that’s supposed to be pressing against your ab while you sit and watch TV or read a book or watch paint dry if it strikes your fancy. And it will do all the work for you and give you a fab ab in no time. I couldn’t find this one either.

4. Ab Flex: I obviously did not learn my lesson. But in my defense, it requires a little bit of work from you, so it sounded a little truer…

5. Some kind of Cross Country Ski Machine: It came out after NordicTrack’s ski machine. It was like one-third of the price of NordicTrack version, with the added benefit of taking up much less space. This one fit into the category “You get what you pay for,” and it disappeared in a very short time.

6. Tony Little Target Training Video: I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to try doing calisthenics, which, by the way, I already know how to do, while watching this dude who is most definitely not lean or mean by any definition.

7. Tae-bo video: After trying this for a few times, I thought I should stop it before I hurt myself. It’s not for anybody who’s really really out of shape and also, who lives in NYC because your apartment doesn’t have a large enough space to do this without any danger unless you belong to that minority called the rich.

8. Carleton Sheets’ No Money Down Home Buying System: This goes into “Who was I kidding?” category because I don’t even know if the system works. Never even opened it.

9. Some kind of grill machine: It was supposed to come up with a delicious meal in 5 minutes after I dump meat and other ingredients altogether in it, and they promised the cleaning would take just seconds! Bastards!

10. Lori Davis Hair Care System: Hey, Cher was in the infomercial swearing it made such a difference in her life! Resistance was futile!

11. Igia thingmabob: I don’t remember the name, and after going through their products, I still can’t remember the name. It was a hair removing gadget, supposed to be pain free and work like magic in no time at all, with three coils that pull out your hair. During one pass through my leg, it pulled like 2 strands of hair and it hurt like a son of a bitch!

12. Oxy Clean: It’s some kind of natural cleaning solution. You must all heard about it. Being a major slob, and hence not knowing very well how well different cleaning products work, I really couldn’t see any difference, but I was most certainly disappointed that it didn’t work as it did on TV.

13. Some kind of duster: Yeah, I know. What was I doing buying a duster, you ask? Well, I’ve never really understood the concept of dusting. It’s like you intentionally go disturb the dust that’s all settled without stirring, and disperse it all over the place. But this one promised to just catch the dust and suck it inside by just putting it NEAR dust! Now THAT’s something I could deal with. I’m sure those bastards laughed their asses off at people who ordered these dusters.

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