I haven’t had television for several years now. I mean I have a physical television set covered with a thick coat of dust and collecting more (totally intentional since I think the thick coat of dust will protect the TV set in case of it being knocked over or something despite its size and weight… you never know… it could happen!) in the living room corner but it doesn’t have any input unless I pop a DVD into the DVD player because I don’t subscribe to cable or satellite service. The main reason for that: I loved TV too much. You could say I was addicted.
For the longest time, I had resisted getting cable TV and just used rabbit ears. I didn’t really feel the need for cable TV except for better picture quality and not having to adjust the rabbit ears whenever I changed channels. I didn’t understand why people would complain about not having anything to watch on TV, and these people had cable or satellite TV with several premium channels. I always had something to watch. The show didn’t have to be good. If I started watching a show, I tended to get sucked in no matter how bad it was. Also, I never got sick of reruns even if I had seen it more than once already.
Do you remember my infomercial purchases? You don’t seriously believe I only bought thirteen items off infomercials, do you? I mean, consider the extreme lameness of the things I listed there. There are A LOT more convincing infomercials hawking products that look and sound much more practical and promising. You can infer that I probably watched almost all infomercials out there at the time, and you’d be right. I did. Many times, I could be found watching an infomercial at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. Most of the times I would resist the temptation to dial that 800 number and place my order, which led me to watch the same fucking infomercial over and over and over whenever it came on until I finally decided to make the call.
Now you see why I hadn’t needed more channels. But I finally caved in and subscribed to cable TV after watching a couple of episodes of The Sopranos at a friend’s place and got completely hooked. Now there were still more shows to watch, and I started losing sleep trying to watch TV. If you know me just a little, you just KNOW how much I looooove sleeping and so you might understand how much I was addicted to TV. And when I moved to a new apartment with Dish Network, I had even more to watch!
I realized I had a problem, but it was still hard to keep away from TV. All these years, the first thing I had done when I came home from outside was to turn the TV on, and it would be on until I had to go out again or until I went to bed. It was hard to break that habit. And did you know realizing you have a problem doesn’t make you stop loving the shows you’ve been watching? So one day, I canceled the service after convincing myself that it would save me about a grand a year. I missed it terribly for the first couple of weeks, but afterwards, I hardly thought about it except I occasionally missed Late Show with David Letterman, my all time favorite TV show.
It seems there are much more good TV shows to watch nowadays because I constantly see plurks or tweets about TV shows and how much they love them and how much they have waited for the season premiers, etc. But these TV talks have never really affected me other than feeling a little left out. It hasn’t really made me want to get cable or satellite service. UNTIL NOW, that is. Yeah, I have the itch. It’s been itching for a couple of weeks now ever since citizenjaney and some others live-plurked the goings-on of the first episode of What Would Brian Boitano Make on Food Network. And I must say, my eyes were glued on that plurk. Yes, it’s a cooking show and it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever make anything Brian Boitano makes on that show. But it was hilarious just to read about it and I can’t imagine how fucking hysterical to watch the actual show!
I’ve searched the net for a video, but I haven’t succeeded yet. So for two weeks, I’ve been agonizing over this question. Should I get it? I know it’s a lot of money just to watch a 30-minute cooking show, but once I get it, I will be watching more than just one show, so it would be worth it, right?And I would like to know what Brian Boitano would make every week. Is that so wrong? And Letterman every night to boot? That’s a fair price to pay, no? But will I fall off the wagon and devote my already too short time at home to watching TV? Should I, or shouldn’t I?
As some of you know, Brandy’s megaesophagus makes her regurgitate food from now and then, even after being held upright for an hour after a meal. It’s the way it is and there is nothing anybody can do about it but for me to clean up the mess.
And Brandy’s stool never recovered its roll-on-the-floor-rock-hard consistency after that scary episode almost 2 years ago when every morsel of food she ate came back up for more than a month. I guess her digestive system got a shock when it finally got to see some food. So she gets about a cup of yogurt everyday with her meal, but still her stool is frequently loose enough for me to make bald spots on the lawn to pick off all blades of grass (and weeds… well, OK, mostly weeds) with fecal matter on it.
So when the name Poop Freeze caught my eye while I was going through hundreds of “As Seen On TV” products trying to remember the names of the various products for Sucker I Am post yesterday, I was like, could it be? Could this really be??? The description confirmed that it is in fact what I hoped it would be – You spray it on poop, hair balls, or vomit, etc, and it freezes it down to -62°F so you can clean it up with ease. What a brilliant idea! What an excellent way to improve my everyday life! My life WILL be happier! What an exceptional find!
Supposedly, there was or has been or still is an infomercial on TV for Poop Freeze. And let me tell you, if I had seen the infomercial you can bet your bottom dollar that I would have ordered it before the infomercial was over. Then why haven’t I ordered it yet, you might wonder. Well, it lacked the magic of infomercial. I need to see it work on screen. I need to hear people’s testimonies, you understand.
Then why haven’t I clicked on the infomercial link and watch it online? Frankly, I’m afraid to watch it. Cause I KNOW I’m going to HAVE to order it once I did – there is no if’s, and’s or but’s about it, and writing that Sucker I Am post kinda sobered me up to the fact that I’m an infomercialaholic.
What I’m trying to get at, actually, is this – Anybody willing to try it and let me know if it works? Anyone? Anyone?
I haven’t had TV for several years now. I mean I have the physical television set, but it doesn’t get any input. So naturally I don’t get a chance to glimpse at all those wonderful infomercials about breakthrough products that will most certainly make me happier and healthier and prettier and skinnier, while making my life so much easier that I can finally have the so-called “leisure time” for a change. And these products are going to save me money in the end as well, you see. Naturally, if I would happen on an infomercial, I’d get sucked in, full of wonder, my ears pricked and mouth half open. Cause, you know, how can you possibly resist that extremely annoying phrase, “If I can do it, ANYBODY can!”
I admit it. I’m a sucker, so it’s an added blessing that not having TV prevents me from wasting my money on the products like the following, thirteen things I’ve bought from infomercials.
1. 
Proactiv skin care system: I suffer from breakouts all the time. My face is covered with acne scars. So two dermatologists come up with this easy 3 step solution, and you see all these people’s testimonies with before and after photos, wouldn’t you try it? You really wouldn’t? Lucky you.
2. Some other kind of acne product: It came out way before Proactiv, also from a dermatologist, who had a Russian name. It seems it disappeared from the face of the earth, so that tells you much about the product.
3. Some kind of Ab gadget: Typical “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” product. It’s something you wear around your waist, and there is this box that’s supposed to be pressing against your ab while you sit and watch TV or read a book or watch paint dry if it strikes your fancy. And it will do all the work for you and give you a fab ab in no time. I couldn’t find this one either.
4. Ab Flex: I obviously did not learn my lesson. But in my defense, it requires a little bit of work from you, so it sounded a little truer…
5. Some kind of Cross Country Ski Machine: It came out after NordicTrack’s ski machine. It was like one-third of the price of NordicTrack version, with the added benefit of taking up much less space. This one fit into the category “You get what you pay for,” and it disappeared in a very short time.
6. 
Tony Little Target Training Video: I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to try doing calisthenics, which, by the way, I already know how to do, while watching this dude who is most definitely not lean or mean by any definition.
7. Tae-bo video: After trying this for a few times, I thought I should stop it before I hurt myself. It’s not for anybody who’s really really out of shape and also, who lives in NYC because your apartment doesn’t have a large enough space to do this without any danger unless you belong to that minority called the rich.
8. Carleton Sheets’ No Money Down Home Buying System: This goes into “Who was I kidding?” category because I don’t even know if the system works. Never even opened it.
9. Some kind of grill machine: It was supposed to come up with a delicious meal in 5 minutes after I dump meat and other ingredients altogether in it, and they promised the cleaning would take just seconds! Bastards!
10. Lori Davis Hair Care System: Hey, Cher was in the infomercial swearing it made such a difference in her life! Resistance was futile!
11. Igia thingmabob: I don’t remember the name, and after going through their products, I still can’t remember the name. It was a hair removing gadget, supposed to be pain free and work like magic in no time at all, with three coils that pull out your hair. During one pass through my leg, it pulled like 2 strands of hair and it hurt like a son of a bitch!
12. Oxy Clean: It’s some kind of natural cleaning solution. You must all heard about it. Being a major slob, and hence not knowing very well how well different cleaning products work, I really couldn’t see any difference, but I was most certainly disappointed that it didn’t work as it did on TV.
13. Some kind of duster: Yeah, I know. What was I doing buying a duster, you ask? Well, I’ve never really understood the concept of dusting. It’s like you intentionally go disturb the dust that’s all settled without stirring, and disperse it all over the place. But this one promised to just catch the dust and suck it inside by just putting it NEAR dust! Now THAT’s something I could deal with. I’m sure those bastards laughed their asses off at people who ordered these dusters.
1. First list item starts here…
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