This rant contains foul language. A lot. You’ve been warned.
It took me 2 hours and 20 minutes to drive to work this morning. I found out later that there was an accident on Long Island Expressway around Exit 49, and I was stuck somewhere between Exit 51 and 50. When I finally made my way out to Exit 50, this jerk in a beat-up Honda, who was driving on the shoulder trying get to the exit faster, kept poking his nose out in front of me as if HE had the right of way!!! Nobody, as far as I know, has ever accused me of being a wimpy driver. Indignant beyond reason at that point, I started talking to myself. Well, actually, I was talking to that dickhead, but he didn’t hear me, obviously.
I tell you right fucking here right fucking now, you bitch! I am NOT, I repeat, NOT a sissy weekend fucking driver who gets scared fuck to drive on fucking L.I.E. during rush hour. I’ve just been sitting the fuck here for almost a fucking hour, and then stop and go at 0.000001 fucking mile per hour for another fucking hour. I’m already an hour fucking late for work and I’m not even half the fucking way there. And my left fucking sole burns like crazy fuck because I drive a fucking stick-shift. Oh, and by the fucking way, have you ever seen a fucking accident scene where a Jeep fucking Wrangler and an itty fucking bitty Japanese car were involved? Have you? Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Yup, I beat him to wallow in his shame of having been defeated by a girl, and felt mighty proud to have finally made use out of that Dirty Harry line. Take that, bitch!
Yes, you in the blue Chrysler Town & Country with the license plate that says “CLST MKR” inside the plate frame that says “Closets N More”.
You with two stickers on your rear windshield, one of a picture of a Schnauzer, another of the New York Yankees’ interlocking NY logo.
Yes, you, who were driving on the westbound Long Island Expressway this RAINY morning during rush hour on the leftmost lane, conversing with your friend on the next lane through the open windows, who by the way, squeezed dangerously in and out of the lanes with no regards to other drivers just to flag you down.
Yes, you. You are a fucking idiot. Please share this message with your friend.
Today’s traffic wasn’t that bad, ‘I might actually get to work on time today’, I thought, sitting in my car waiting for the cars to move forward on Long Island Expressway around exit 41S. The car in front of me started moving when I heard the sound of a crash behind me, BOOM! I saw through the rear view mirror a white SUV jerking forward a few cars behind me, and I heard the subsequent series of a car bumping into another one coming closer and closer while I looked for a way out, slowly moving forward following the car in front of me. There was no way out. The next boom was the sound of my car getting hit. I was rear ended. The car in front of me escaped this 5-car pile up and my car was in the front of the pile up. ‘Crud. I should have passed that car when I had the chance’, I thought looking longingly at the rear of the car driving away from me, since then I would have escaped this accident.
It’s a pretty funny feeling knowing that I’m going to be in an accident a few seconds ahead, see it and hear it coming, but there is nothing I can do to avoid it. That kinda shook me up. And I sat there shaking for a couple of minutes. Fortunately I’m not hurt, no bumps, no whiplash, no nothing, my head didn’t even jerk. The only thing messed up is the rear bumper of my car, which is bent a little – my car being a Jeep Wrangler, the front part of the car behind me looked pathetic having said hello to my Wrangler’s steel bumper. Other than the bent bumper, there is not one scratch as the result of this accident.
The idiot who started the pile up obviously wasn’t paying attention since there was no excuse for it – there was no hard break involved. I didn’t even get a good look at the idiot or his car since the cops showed up surprisingly fast and directed everybody to stay in the car. Now I’m left with the hassle of going to the police precinct and pay $10 to get the accident report, and contacting the idiot’s insurance company next week and getting the bumper fixed.
I need a vacation.
Serious Stuff. Seriously
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