I’m not really a crazy dog lady… yet. I don’t carry on conversations with my dogs… on a daily basis. But there are somethings I say to them on a daily basis other than Sit or Down kinda simple commands – complete sentences and questions I expect them to understand and sometimes expect answers. I get a little tired of being ignored and not getting answers, but I’m waiting for one of them to finally blurt out one of these days, “Oh shut up!”
The following is a list of thirteen of those things I say to my dogs:
- Be careful! I blurt it out quite often because, you know, I don’t want them to get hurt, quite naturally.
- What’s your problem? When somebody doesn’t stop barking after my “Enough” or “Quiet”, I have to resort to reasoning.
- See, I told you! You never listen! Usually Brooklyn gets this mocking remark from me when she has to pee and poop under heavy rain after refusing to pee or poop because of wet grass or light rain in spite of my repeated warning of possible heavier rain in the near future.
- What are you doing? Because you know, I sometimes get curious and don’t want to move to see what they are doing. I do expect an answer.
- Get a room, will ya? Cause sometimes I think they should do certain activities in private.
- What happened? I do like to know what happened when somebody suddenly cries out and whines. Wouldn’t you?
- Where do you think you’re going? Come on, it’s funny when they bolt past you and then can’t go anywhere but wait for you walk slowly taking your sweet time to open the door or the baby gate for them.
- Did you pee/poop? Sometimes I get distracted and don’t notice if one peed/pooped or not. I gotta know.
- Where did you poop? When someone pulls of sneak-a-poo routine while I’m not looking. Again, I gotta know.
- Did you just fart? I usually know who farted when, but you know there are silent but deadly kinds.
- I’m coming, I’m coming. They get anxious and whine when I deliver their food one at a time to each location. I do have to assure them that they will not starve to death.
- Where does it itch? Here? Here? It’s hard to see and do nothing when they try to scratch or nibble where they can’t reach.
- I love you too but not THAT way. Foster tends to get too happy and excited to see me and be pat, and his red rocket gets launched sometimes. It’s my way of gently letting him down.
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I haven’t had TV for several years now. I mean I have the physical television set, but it doesn’t get any input. So naturally I don’t get a chance to glimpse at all those wonderful infomercials about breakthrough products that will most certainly make me happier and healthier and prettier and skinnier, while making my life so much easier that I can finally have the so-called “leisure time” for a change. And these products are going to save me money in the end as well, you see. Naturally, if I would happen on an infomercial, I’d get sucked in, full of wonder, my ears pricked and mouth half open. Cause, you know, how can you possibly resist that extremely annoying phrase, “If I can do it, ANYBODY can!”
I admit it. I’m a sucker, so it’s an added blessing that not having TV prevents me from wasting my money on the products like the following, thirteen things I’ve bought from infomercials.
1. 
Proactiv skin care system: I suffer from breakouts all the time. My face is covered with acne scars. So two dermatologists come up with this easy 3 step solution, and you see all these people’s testimonies with before and after photos, wouldn’t you try it? You really wouldn’t? Lucky you.
2. Some other kind of acne product: It came out way before Proactiv, also from a dermatologist, who had a Russian name. It seems it disappeared from the face of the earth, so that tells you much about the product.
3. Some kind of Ab gadget: Typical “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” product. It’s something you wear around your waist, and there is this box that’s supposed to be pressing against your ab while you sit and watch TV or read a book or watch paint dry if it strikes your fancy. And it will do all the work for you and give you a fab ab in no time. I couldn’t find this one either.
4. Ab Flex: I obviously did not learn my lesson. But in my defense, it requires a little bit of work from you, so it sounded a little truer…
5. Some kind of Cross Country Ski Machine: It came out after NordicTrack’s ski machine. It was like one-third of the price of NordicTrack version, with the added benefit of taking up much less space. This one fit into the category “You get what you pay for,” and it disappeared in a very short time.
6. 
Tony Little Target Training Video: I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to try doing calisthenics, which, by the way, I already know how to do, while watching this dude who is most definitely not lean or mean by any definition.
7. Tae-bo video: After trying this for a few times, I thought I should stop it before I hurt myself. It’s not for anybody who’s really really out of shape and also, who lives in NYC because your apartment doesn’t have a large enough space to do this without any danger unless you belong to that minority called the rich.
8. Carleton Sheets’ No Money Down Home Buying System: This goes into “Who was I kidding?” category because I don’t even know if the system works. Never even opened it.
9. Some kind of grill machine: It was supposed to come up with a delicious meal in 5 minutes after I dump meat and other ingredients altogether in it, and they promised the cleaning would take just seconds! Bastards!
10. Lori Davis Hair Care System: Hey, Cher was in the infomercial swearing it made such a difference in her life! Resistance was futile!
11. Igia thingmabob: I don’t remember the name, and after going through their products, I still can’t remember the name. It was a hair removing gadget, supposed to be pain free and work like magic in no time at all, with three coils that pull out your hair. During one pass through my leg, it pulled like 2 strands of hair and it hurt like a son of a bitch!
12. Oxy Clean: It’s some kind of natural cleaning solution. You must all heard about it. Being a major slob, and hence not knowing very well how well different cleaning products work, I really couldn’t see any difference, but I was most certainly disappointed that it didn’t work as it did on TV.
13. Some kind of duster: Yeah, I know. What was I doing buying a duster, you ask? Well, I’ve never really understood the concept of dusting. It’s like you intentionally go disturb the dust that’s all settled without stirring, and disperse it all over the place. But this one promised to just catch the dust and suck it inside by just putting it NEAR dust! Now THAT’s something I could deal with. I’m sure those bastards laughed their asses off at people who ordered these dusters.
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Today is the last work day for me before I take nine days off. I don’t go anywhere of course, not having anybody to take care of my four dogs, three of them with very special needs. But my friends, topsurf, perpstu, cajunvegan, citizenjaney, andrealdaigle and justjen, all of whom I’ve never met in real life, but dear friends all the same, are coming to NYC for their vacation from different parts of the country. I plan to go meet and play a few times next week. But that would account for only a few days out of nine. And I thought I’d let you in on what I plan to do during my staycation.
- Sleep. Yes, I’m still sleep deprived during the week and I usually take long naps on the weekends to catch up, but one thing or another led me to miss my precious day time sleep at least one of Saturday or Sunday for the last several weeks. As a consequence, I’m in need of much more sleep.
- Nap. What? That’s how badly I need more sleep.
- Go see my friends I have neglected for the last 5 months after Grizzley’s death.
- Slumber. Cause I’m certain that I’m supPOSed to get enough sleep while on staycation.
- Re-caulk the shower stall in the master bathroom. I fixed the shower drip, but I’m yet to take a shower in that stall because I’ve noticed that about one-fifth of the caulking wasn’t there any more. Of course it didn’t happen overnight but I thought it’s prudent to use the other bathroom until I re-caulk it.
- Catch forty winks. I’m terrible at winking and I’d like to be better at it.
- Get the car fixed. I have spent a couple of thousand dollars in the last three months because of car troubles. But I still have some minor problems like going through a bottle of coolant a week WITHOUT a slightest trace of a leak anywhere, etc. My wallet has been bleeding terribly because of vet bills and aforementioned expense and such, so I’m trying to get to a mechanic, a friend of a friend, so that I can’t trust a little that he doesn’t bleed it to death.
- Rendezvous with the sandman. I’m in love with him.
- Pull out all broad-leaved plantains from the backyard. They seem to multiply faster than rabbits, and I have patches of these odious weeds, which become stiff like celery stalks when fully grown, thus making my dogs avoid the area. I’ve gotten rid of three such patches so far by pulling them out one by one whenever I can for the last two weeks.
- Get some shuteye. Once my mom told me that my eyes are not shut completely when I’m asleep. So I need more practice.
- Upgrade the blog. It’s still on version 2.6.2. Upgrades take a long time for me because of all the customization I made including the smileys, and I don’t like it very much because, well, you know, I feel like I’m back at work or something like that.
- Cop some Z’s. I happen to like Z’s.
- Last and least, optional even, clean up the house. Cleaning up is so very very much needed. But you see, it’s my staycation. I shouldn’t do something I really really loathe and despise, right? RIGHT?
1. First list item starts here…
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!
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I had to go to the supermarket on my way home from work yesterday. I came home indignant. I have to say, whenever I go to the supermarket, I come home outraged, full of hatred for inconsiderate, selfish, lazy, uncaring, irresponsible, stupid and downright hostile people. It’s amazing how people can be so callous for no reason at all. Yesterday, these people I saw there were worse than ever! The following are 13 things I muttered to myself or wanted to scream at the people at the supermarket yesterday ALONE.
- Why can’t you just close those damn doors so that the poor old couple can park next to your car instead of staring at them and making them back out and go to another spot, you inconsiderate selfish fuck?
- It doesn’t occur to you that other people might want to pass while you examine the label of each can with your cart blocking the entire aisle?
- When people say “Excuse me,” while you talk on the phone blocking other people from the items they want access to, you are supposed to move your fat ass swiftly out of that area, NOT glare at them moving just half a step.
- We all want to get through this aisle. It would work much better if you ALSO moved your cart to your right while we pass each other instead of you standing firm in the middle of the aisle waiting for me to somehow let you pass cause I ain’t backing out of the aisle or climbing over the shelves. That’s right. See how that works?
- If you don’t move your cart and unblock me and let me get out of here, you are never gonna get to the chicken legs AT ALL. I might get all the remaining chicken legs while I’m blocked in here.
- Is it really necessary to make others wait while you two argue about which frozen food to get?
- Sorry, I got here first. Glaring at me for taking the last carton of milk ain’t gonna make me give it up, bitch.
- Didn’t you just see your kid run his hand through chicken and turkey section with sticky blood everywhere and put his fingers to his mouth?
- I understand you could have missed the find prints on the circular that clearly states only regular Cheerios are on sale. I don’t understand you wasting everybody’s time fighting with the cashier and the manager about it even AFTER you found out.
- I seriously think the time you wasted staring into space while waiting for the person in front of you could have been spent much better on looking for your purse AND your changes at the bottom of your humongous bag.
- Standing so close to me trying to push me forward isn’t going to make the cashier scan my things any faster.
- If you choose to idle your engine right at the curb despite the signs not to, at least get away from the fucking exit so that people with carts can get off the curb!
- The parking spot for the handicapped is NOT where you return your cart, you lazy ass.
I like stealing from my bubblicious friend perpstu, with her blessing of course. It was her Thursday Thirteen post last week and I immediately acquired her permission to pilfer it. Thanks, perpstu!
In addition to the few I blogged about some time ago, this is a list of thirteen keyword searches, by which you guys ended up at yoonamania, that I find strange or funny.
- peeing mania.com
Well, for some reason, this one gives yoonamania the most hits. So apparently, this site attracts sickos. - what the hell is ansky
This is one of a handful of keywords that matched what I actually blogged about here. - dog peeing on neighbor
None of my dogs has ever peed on a neighbor. - pooping naturally
As opposed to pooping artificially? - turd half way out
Yeah, I have this exact phrase in this post. - dog poops on a baby
So this dog actually seeks out and poops on babies? Why does anybody let it happen anyway? - pooper lovin
This one cracked me up the most. I kept saying it out loud and kept laughing. I know, I need a life. - how to annoy empoyees at work
I really really want to know the person who googled this. We are going to be such best friends! - poop processing
This one made me go hmmm… processing in what way? - infants eating dog poop
Most definitely one of those WHAT THE FUCK? - pee holding
For fun? - “pooping in public” pictures
Whoever you are, you are truly sick. - poop on wee wee anal picture
I have no words. Really? You want to see this picture?
Hey… anybody notice a recurring theme here…? Hmm… 
Serious Stuff. Seriously
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